In Praise of the Small Things

CrackHo here. I have caused you all so much distress with my distress this week, bless your hearts, that I am happy happy happy to give you a more upbeat update! And I ain't lyin'.

I actually got in the 'Ho Mobile and drove on the 'spressway not once but twice today! And, not necessarily in this order: pumped my own gas, walked my Rent-a-Golden, saw Doc Hen (had to tackle him in the hall like some kinda groupie since my appointment was with his assistant), had my head petted in Doc Hen's waiting room (for some reason people just do that in public; must look like a pregnant belly), unloaded the dishwasher, remembered to make a phone call I said I would, remembered to mail the bills (and not just write the checks and leave them in the checkbook), woke up before the alarm this AM but not too much before, ate a Chik-Fil-A (thankee Truitt!), realized that Goldens hide things like their own leashes so I haven't necessarily lost what was left of my mind, found out I have lots of red cells, plenty o'plasma, and enough white cells so I ain't under house arrest this fine Labor Day weekend! Whew! And if that weren't enough, how 'bout this:

One of the most delectable things in God's creation is Coke on ice. I don't mean open a can in your own home and pour it over those silly little half-crescent "cubes" (when will some idiot decide it's a terrorist plot to have symbols of "radical Islam"-or South Carolina-spewing from our freezers??). I mean, honest to goodness Fountain Coke over Commercial-Grade Ice (and lots and lots of it) sucked down on a hot summer day through a straw. Just enough carbonation to make you shout Halleluia without burping. Just enough caffeine to make you think you CAN make it around the Top End of 285 One Mo' Time. Just enough sweet to make you remember MilkDuds and a certain boy at the movies. I had a Jones for just such a Coke my second trip up through Town and whipped the 'Ho Mobile off the road and through a drive-through ordering up a Large Diet Coke (with Caffeine, otherwise why bother). My dear peeps, it was a near-religious experience, possibly enhanced by sipping that Coke in the shadow of the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Acceleration there along I-75 North. Ain't nuthin' better after 4 days of swapping between Sofa A and Sofa B than having a little unplanned outing involving the House Wine of Atlanta.

So CrackHo gives a big Shout-out and Thankee to all Y'all in the Sinnergirls world for the Extree Love & Support this week. Have a Coke & a Smile and whatever else you can get your sweaty little mitts on this weekend. Much love and thankees! (And you see, I'm still sitting up (yeah, still on Sofa A) so things are improving).

You Rock..

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmache

C Ho...it's the end of the day here in freaky Barbie design world and I had to share this quote with you and all the other C Ho lovers. Your courage gives me courage. You rock my world!
Ya'll be good and give someone you love a little extreee hug tonight!

Top Ten Things You Can Do for a Cancer Patient

1. Laugh at my jokes (and post on my blog).
2. Remind me if I’ve already told you a story or joke that I’m launching into. Don’t worry: I don’t have Alzheimer’s on top of everything else. It’s just ChemoBrain and they promise, sort of, that it will go away and I won’t be tedious forever.
3. Insist that I buy myself jewelry.
4. Let me know if I have broccoli between my teeth. Yes, cancer patients still have open to us all the normal ways to be embarrassed in public.
5. Set me up with your bald single friends. At least we’ll have something to talk about, and if we hit it off we can indulge in the pleasures of mutual phrenology.
6. Forgive me and tell me to take a Xanax. There may be times when I’m as whine-y as a toddler past her naptime, as needy as an arts nonprofit, and as charming as Ann Coulter, all at the same time. I still love you and need your attention and sometimes, a reminder that Meds Are Good.
7. Please ask me before you send the details of my projectile vomiting to your prayer chain.
8. Remind me that I have a therapist and that there is sometimes TMI even between friends who love each other. As necessary, gently nudge me to the person who is paid to listen to my overwhelming bullshit.
9. Let me talk about death and pain and suffering. Oh, wait, the divorce is final. Never mind.
10. Find ways to give me credible compliments, even if it’s as creative as “OMG you so met your deductible for the whole year!!!”, or, “Do you know how hot you look with your bare ass hanging out of that skanky hospital gown?”

And just because I don't have any fun new videos yet (I know, what a slacker), I'm gonna post the whole Chemo Candy-eating video. To me it looks like an alien eating some strange eggs...but you decide! (Malibu, where are u? We need some fresh wit & humor!!)

Where do we grow from?

After talking to C Ho tonight I've realized that being mad as hell is ok. Cancer sucks!! You can all watch C Ho's video of "truthiness" about how she feels about the cancer now that chemo is showing its monster(cancer) killing self. What I find hard is that chemo stops you in your tracks in a physical manner....feeling and knowing you will beat the cancer is one thing. Living through the effect of battling cancer is quite another! Joni's good news via phone conversation tonight is that everything hurts but her ovaries (I think there is a small praise God somewhere in that)! I. BCB,hold on to that because to think of this suffering puts me under the covers. My sister deserves good and happiness. God, though, is big and better. I hold on to that truth that He is in control; He has His princess under the royal orders of heaven and I can't do any better than that!
Plans are in the making for eyelash lessons from the drag queen on Saturday...a fun event that we must flip to share with all of you. Now, if you are planning a wedding...the wedding eyelash program should come from another source probably...FYI, these are "chemo eye lash lessons" We somehow figure out a way to grow from all of this... Love all out to those of you on blog, Black Canary Barbie aka granniebarbie

MAD 'Ho! (as in Angry...) Warning: Foul Language

CrackHo here; didja miss me?? Just couldn't get that Malibu Barbie Weather Report film finished today. Looks like we'll have plenty more chances to hear from our intrepid Malibu with more storms churning up from Havana (yuck, don't say churn). But till I trim the sails and right the Good Ship Sense of Humor, here's a little post-Fay Whine-Out to all my peeps (y'all):

What up?

Hello FOS (Friends of Sinnergirls),

All the sinnergirls are doing fine; baby sinnergirl (AKA Malibu Barbie) just returned from a quick trip with Freebster Boings to Tropical Storm Fay-Ravaged Savannah. OK, maybe ravaged is too dramatic; it rained and rained a lot. Middle sinnergirl (AKA Black Canary Barbie) has been working her Barbie-behind off, while also spending time getting ready for the arrival of Ryleigh (AKA Keep-U-Up-All-Night Barbie or BGB [baby girl barbie]). Mom of C'Ho has been totin' the 'ho to chemo, and playing the demanding role of Mom of 3 Sinnergirls. Most importantly, Star Sinnergirl (AKA Crack-Ho) has kept a heady schedule consisting of chemo, doc appointments, lunches, brunches and more. Right about now, she SHOULD be napping. She is one tired 'ho.

Remember that even though we're all chirpy sinnergirls, it's a long, tough road and Crack'Ho (and her backup band) need your continued prayers and blog visits.

Toodles,
MB

What DID I do with those blender blades, anyway?

Those who know what this means, can laugh. Those who don't, can wonder.

Black Canary brings Conehead Mass Quantities of Chemo Candy!

A wonderful event chez Infusion today was the arrival of Black Canary Barbie with a giant gift bag with mass quantities of candy for the infusion picnic. Even more wonderful: some of it was wearable! That BCB thinks of everything, including edible accessories!

Here BCB captured the adventure of CrackHo Conehead discovering her inner Pocohontas look with a sweet-tart necklace. She then gave in to temptation. Funny nobody in the Suite wanted to try any candy after that...


Obligatory factual updates:
1. Doc Hen (OMG!!***sighs***) sez that oh yeah baby let's do some radiation treatment after all. Has everything to do with avoiding brain cancer. An avoidance which is top on the 'Ho's list. So CrackHo will spend part of the Yuletide under a very expensive tanning lamp (like to tan your innerds). Will def cut down on the snackage she consumes during the holidays. At least I'll be able to fit into my 'ho 'ho 'ho attire. Doc Hen sez no stomach tube so we won't have to worry about mashing up Freebster Boings most excellent chocolate and red pepper cookies into liquid...
2. CrackHo has discovered that Beldar Conehead is the dad, so therefore she cannot be Beldar. Connie Conehead just isn't bling enough for this here site, and Pyraamar the mom's name has been optioned by Mother o'CrackHo.
3. You can call it infusion but it feels like chemo. You can put lipstick on a pig and call it Monique but it is still a pig. You can call her CrackHo and she's still...CrackHo! (Hey Monique can I borry yo' lipstick??)

"Just tell them you come from France"

Tired of making Chia-'Hos every time I brushed my hair, tired of my hair blowing through the wind (instead of the wind blowing through my hair), CrackHo, on the advice of Chris at EnVy Salon in Roswell (go there, he will make you beautiful and happy), decided it was time to go retro as Beldar Conehead. Control what you can, baby!!

My wonderful hairdresser Chris, advisor, part-time therapist and soon-to-be famous star in the movie about the Cheating Bastard (playing himself the Fabulous Hairdresser, not the C.B.), stars in the pix below. He "got rid of a symptom" of cancer: that is, I don't make no more Chia-'Hos everytime I brush my hair. We celebrated with a touch of prosecco and some tears and a lot of laughter! Thank you, Chris!

Beldar & Ma Conehead

The latest from the sinnergirls

All's well. C'Ho's newly shorn head is absolutely beautiful. I keep telling her she has a great dome, and she does. Plus, it brings out her stunningly big blue eyes. What a woman. Next up? The 'Ho has second chemo this Wednesday, which Mom-of-C'Ho and Diddy will head up, leaving the remaining sinnergirls to do what sinnergirls do best. And we'll leave THAT to your imagination.

Oh, and we're only weeks, perhaps only moments, away from a new baby. Cheers and encouragement to Tiffany and Harris as the happy event approaches!

Later!

Malibu

Tips & Tales from the Wiggin' Three

Here are some quotes we captured from Jennifer as she was working with C'Ho:

1) "Hi! My name is wig."

2)  "You have a large circumference and a small interior measurement." (i will not tolerate that kind of language in front of my siblings, wig'ho!)

3) "Your follicles are speaking."

4) "This wig is Linda."

5) "This wig is Linda."

6) "This wig is Linda."

WAIT. How is that possible? 

7) "This wig is Olivia."

That's better.

Insurance Claims: How to File for Wig Coverage (So to Speak)

CrackHo is rapidly discovering that part of this cancer adventure is learning how to partner with one's medical insurance provider. In the interest of public service, CrackHo and the other Sinnergirls have prepared two short training videos to help guide cancer patients through the arduous process of filing a claim for wig payment through their medical insurance carrier.


Video 1: For PPO's (rated PG-13 for violence and out-of-pocket thresholds)

Video 2: For HMO's (rated R for language and violence and hidden deductibles)

Down the early chia memory lane

Chia Video here.

Git Wiggy Wit' It

If CrackHo ever decided to have multiple personalities ---- and on some days it seems like a good idea ---- she would go see Miss Jennifer the Wig Queen. Watch the transformation from Elivra Mistress of the Dark to Cancer Patient to "Linda" (again)...

And don'cha just love all the euphemisms! My hair is not falling out by the roots in large disgusting handsfull...it is Releasing (undergoing Release) (sounds like a treatment you'd pay a fortune for at a day spa).

So is cancer not cancer but "Overachieving Cells"? You don't have various gastric dramas after chemo; you "Decline Food-Based Input." You don't go beserk on steroids; you "Get in Touch with Your Inner Felon." You don't lose your ability to string two thoughts together; you "Engage in Unstructured Communication." I could go on. And I might. If I could remember where I was going with all this...

BTW a Big Shout Out and Air Hug to Nurse Extraordinaire Ashley for stopping in for a quick DX yesterday and chat with the Sinnergirls in the wig-wam. We know you're out there!! Someday you too can have your very own username!!

ChChChCh CHIA Pet!

CrackHo always secretly wanted a Chia Pet but was too embarassed to ever put it on her Christmas List. (OK OK now I will get 2,743 Chia Pets this Christmas but that's OK...I'll donate them to Toys for Sinnergirls Tots).

Little did CH know that she herself would become the Mother of All Chia Pets:

Chia-'Ho

watch how it grows from day 1 to day 2 to day 3!!

No kidding: the Chia-'Ho on the far left is AM hairbrush 8/12; the middle one is AM hairbrush 8/13; the far right Chia-'Ho is AM hairbrush 8/14. Any wonder the Sinnergirls Wigged Out with Miss Jennifer 8/15?

TMI? Sorry. But look at the Tourists we got here at the CrackShack! Sinnergirls got the 2008 Audubon Award for the Best Double-Processed Nest Color in a Neutral Beige with Zero Warmth But No Ageing Ash-y Tones (The Chris C./Envy Salon Award in case you want to order this color for your Chia-'Ho)

Wigging Out

Sinnergirls arrived at the wigtique today not knowing quite what to expect. All in all, from Malibu's vantage point, it was poignant and fun at the same time. Let's be honest: it's hard to watch your sister yank her hair out...especially if it's not just because you made her mad. Again. But Jennifer, the wig master, did a fabulous job of finding what seems to be a wig of C'Ho's natural hair, with a different cut. Trust me. If you see C-Ho on the street, you'll think she just got a new cut. It's THAT natural. Oh yeah - wigs have names. Video #2 below is not Joni having a big attack of chemo brain and wondering who she really is. She's just trying to figure out the name of the wig. Really.

The first video is of Jennifer telling us a funny story about what happens when bad things happen to good wigs.

Wig-A-Palooza

It's a big day for the Sinnergirls, but for C'Ho in particular. We're beginning the search for supplemental hair, better known as W-I-Gs. (Not to be confused with M-I-Gs that are weapons of limited, but effective destruction...though if C-Ho gets the right kind of WIG and launches it at someone, it could become a MIG....heavens, I need more coffee).

Anyhoo! Check back tonight (that be Friday) for videos and ruminations on what promises to be a most intellesting day.

Toodles.
M-Barbie

CrackHo knows how to please her man!

A man of simple pleasures. What you don't see is the brew-ski and bag of Cheetos (deep fried).

Please welcome Ken to the Sinnergirls world. He was donated to CrackHo by the 'Ho's bud J.L. Thanks, gurl!

Below is the post-Spinal Tap video of whether or not Ken is anatomically correct. Could 'splain a lottttt of thanggggs in this world...!

And yes, that is still CrackHo's Own Hair. But for the first time in the 'Ho's life it seems she may do something Early: that is, lose her hair. Predicted for later (like late August, early September), the hair fallout seems to have begun. Stay tuned for adventures in wigging out. Like, hair.

Lazy Saturday Morning at BCB's dreamhouse...

Black Canary Barbie has been spending a lazy Saturday morning going through old photos of her children and watching a movie heavily recommended by my "soon to be" daughter in law Lauren Young. Much to my delight this movie fits perfectly into the sinnergirl reportoire of must watch senseless, funny movies (As a forwarning to those with snobby movie taste, the Sinnergirl list begins with Talladega Nights!) When in the need for laughter and snorting I highly recommend watching "Norbit". Raspushia Lattimore's view of the world and her large, womanly self is perfect! I want to hand off an enlightening quote to those of you out there who hesitate to do for yourself (even wholesome sinnergirls love mani-pedis). Ras says..." Even a delicate flower like me needs a litle watering now and then". Welcome to the club Raspushia Lattimore!

'Ho on the Road

Hey Y'all:

Greetings from the Windy City, where CrackHo is ensconsed this week with her peeps the fine ***unnamed newly titled professionals*** of the ***really fine organization which can't be associated with this blog for reasons that should be apparent to all***.

First, a fashion update from last weekend as Mother o'CrackHo put together a new look for the Crackster as I prepared for a Social Engagement. A new visual for ChemoHair. A big shout-out to Diddy for filming and not hitting the "erase" button.

CrackHo is staying at the Hyatt at Hamburger University (yes, the Golden Arches type burger), which is decorated with all manner of Golden Arches memorabilia. Between 4-hour naps, lo and behold, I discovered just outside the CrackHo room at Hamburger University, the following Tribute and Reminder that Ho-ness is not confined to any One Location. Apologies for not editing...but what the heck does McDonald's mean by "Ho Scale"?

Hey there Kens and Barbies...

Malibu so greatly shared our news that we are all still busy handling the day to day. Wanted you all to know that Joni is also having chemo on Monday via spinal fluid. Don't know all the details except the wonderful Doc Hen feels that to cover all the places the big, bad lymphoma may want to travel to he wants to do this "extree" chemo to zap any untraceable gunk that may be floating around. We all love his thoroughness!! I'll be in attendance to video/photo shoot any of those great C Ho moments she's becoming so well known for.
Our new granddaughter will probably make an early entrance around September 1st. Can't wait! Should know more after Tiffany goes to the doctor again tomorrow. Black Canary Barbie nonna thinks Labor Day Holiday is a great time to schedule labor. The oldest son of BCB, oldest nephew of Aunt Crack Ho checks blogg and must share his thoughts on this upcoming grand event in the comments column...you're up Harris!

We're still here.

For those of you wondering where we've been, well, we've been around. C-Ho is through with her first treatment, and won't have another until late-ish August. She's currently "on assignment" and not-as-available for posting at the moment; Black Canary is diligently serving clients who've been awaiting her special attention, while she multi-tasks by prepping for grandparenthood, and Malibu is a'working. We'll update more later! Check back soon.

She's freaky and I like it.

Crack-Ho: This one goes out to you, from your loving bro-in-law, Freebster Boings. He's rockin' to a song about you by Justin Timberlake, lyrics as follows:

She's got me love stoned
Man I swear she's bad and she knows
I think that she knows
She's freaky and she knows it
She's freaky, but I like it
She shuts the room down
The way she walks and causes a fuss
The baddest in town
She's flawless like some uncut ice
I hope she's goin' home with me tonight
And all she wants is to dance
That's why you'll find her on the floor
But you don't have a chance
Unless you move the way that she likes
That's why she's goin' home with me tonight

Enthused Infusion

Who can turn a trip to the "ladies' room" with a chemo infusion hookup into a new age music event? Crack-Ho can!

From the Piedmont Hospital Interventional Radiology Video Training Library: How to Use Your New Port

CrackHo here to give a big shout-out to Stella, Skanks, and DFFF for the props on the infusion post. By popular demand and just because you axed for it, here is the training film Black Canary and I made for Piedmont Interventional Radiology on "How to Use Your New Port."

You'll get to see all 3 takes we had to do to get the filming all synchronized and in a form usable for new patient instruction. After all, when one is sucking chard straight into the arteries, one rockets to a whole new level of "Cheap Date."

We try to ask only the most important questions...

Of the many questions we posited to Doc Hen a week or so ago were such pressing queries as:

• Can Crack Ho clean out the kitty litter box while infusing? (answer: yes, w/gloves)
  
• Can Crack Ho continue to cycle? (answer: yeah, baby cuz you look hot in those bike shorts)
  
• Is caffeine ok during treatment? (answer: in small quantities) What about wine? (answer: in small quantities and only if you can suck it up through your port...which we've since learned C-Ho is very talented at doing.)
  
• Can I continue to paddle on the river? (answer: yes. But by this time, Doc Hen was looking a little dazed)
  

Turns out we left out a critical question, but Crack Ho axed Hen today: Can I get my nails done?

Without even blinking, Hen said "Yes! And I like them blue shooz!"
He's a keeper!